I can honestly say I have a big smile on my face right this second. Its as if no matter how lonely, or stressed or overwhelmed you are with life it all just works out in the end. Through all my extremely hard times from the lost of someone very close to me this summer to school with no job and bills to pay. I think through it all I knew deep down that things would work out. They always do for me. One way or another.

I have finished school with honours. This makes me so proud of myself I can’t even explain how much this means to me. I have been hired by a home care agency and will be getting steady hours right away it looks like. I also just got a call for an interview for a long term care facility very close to my house.  This is exactly what I wanted. I love how many choices I have with my Health Care Aide certificate.

The peices of my life are all falling into place.  One by one.  Today I got approved to go home from December 16th – January 2nd.  It will be a great trip for sure, and a break from, well, everything.

So school is done, jobs are coming along nicely…or should I say career?  Yes, yes career.  I think I’m entitled to that.  My friends are absolutely amazing, not sure what I would do without them in my life.  I’m treated so well by everyone and keep many close friends from lots of different circles. I love that I do this because I learn so much from other people and hearing about what is going on in other peoples lives is facinating really and hey, learning from other peoples mistakes ain’t so bad either.  I am very happy with the place I am in at the moment.  Perhaps after Christmas everything will be nice and sorted with my two choices of work but even now, when there are many uncertainties I can’t help but feel grateful for making it through this year and never doubting myself, or asking for help.  People just seemed to pull through for me when I needed it.  I suppose I can thank good karma for that.

I have spent the majority of this last year rocking the single life.  Other than a little blurb with a very silly guy I have been quite alone.  Not in a bad way, just in a boy way.  I’ve expanded my group of friends and gotten close with many people that I now am very grateful to have in my life.  I have been going out a lot to bars etc with the girls and never really seemed all too interested in picking up ‘some dude’.  Perhaps its because of my inner thoughts and feelings about certain things, or perhaps its because it was just never meant to be.  Whichever it might have been I am thoroughly thankful for my persistence for greatness.  A friend of a friend of mine had people over one night before we went out to the bar near the end of September.  I saw this guy, went up to my friend and said ‘Who is he?’ She immediately told me she thought we would be great together and that it was her very good friend.  After she explained how nice he was and everything I made sure she knew I was interested.  Long story short he took me on a date, that date lead to three more and he is absolutely fantastic.  I’m pretty happy to have this good feeling again.  As usual, I am one lucky girl.

Since I moved away from everything I knew I never thought I’d feel this comfortable somewhere so far from my family, my home, my friends.  I’ve said in lots of blogs over the last two years how I finally felt like I belonged here in Edmonton.  I guess I did but just not as much as I do at this moment.  Yet today I bought my sister her birthday card and wrote the words, “I can’t believe I’ve been living this far from you for two years.”  I looked at the card and felt absolutely terrible.  Guilt I guess, SO much of me wants to say that I’m moving back to Vancouver to live with my sister next summer and now SO much of me thinks, “I’ve worked for two years on this life I have in Edmonton, how could I give that up and start all over?”  It drives me crazy to think that the next time I get to go home is a whole year after my last trip there.  To miss everything from birthdays, to Mothers/Fathers Day, to Easter and Thanksgiving.  Its just not the same being away from the people you really love.  I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about this now, what with school starting up for me in a month.

The last couple months have been so busy and  hectic. I’ve been trying so hard to fit everything in and I did it…somehow.  What with working SO much and keeping up with parties and nights out I just can’t believe I managed.  No sleep and taking care of people for a living doesn’t mix well.  I’m just glad that its over.  For the month of May I only have one job, it is the first time since September that I actually have down time.  I’m surprised I lasted this long.  I’ve had three days so far of my ‘just one job’ and let me tell you, how amazing!  I have worked out everyday, thats not going to change, but to just get to do my errands, eat lunch on my back deck and soak up the sun?  No stress involved?  No waking up at 530 and getting my but out the door?  What a break.  I think if it didn’t come when it did I’d be having to slow down on every other aspect of my life so I could function.  When school starts I’m hoping its not too stressful, I’m hoping I love it and am good at it and I’m pretty confident I will be.  Come November I’ll have a great job, with benefit, excellent wage and great hours, and perhaps days off…yeah that would be nice!  To actually be able to visit my family when I want to, to have my life on the right track, and be able to take a holiday in the summer will make me the happiest girl in the world.

I love that its almost summer and it makes me not think of Edmonton as a terrible place to live.  This past winter was absolutely gross.  Its so nice to actually see the ground, not snow.  How long can I stand to put up with these winters here?  Not sure…This summer better be nice.

I’ve been partying lots, socializing as usual and volunteering as well.  All of these aspects of my life are wonderful.  I have great friends here who I really trust and know they look out for me.  I will never take them for granted.

Volunteering gets me more focused on diabetes, with Walk Season fast approaching I can’t help but try my hardest to set aside time for JDRF.  I LOVE volunteering, getting to see all the people I used to work with, and all the supporters.  I always have a fantastic time, always!  Last weekend was a Kids and Teens conference for diabetes and I heard all these people saying how long they have had diabetes for and it reminded me that this year is my ten year!  I have such mixed emotions about that, even right now I’m teary eyed because I should be so proud of myself that I’ve made it this far.  I guess I’m sad because it just sucks.  Ten years after that one day of, ‘you have diabetes’ and everything is just the same.  The same blood tests, the same feelings of lows and highs, the same stress.  Why can’t I get better?  I guess thats the ‘chronic’ bit of type 1 diabetes.  It is hard some days, and I don’t think people understand that it consumes so much time, between thoughts of calculations, to feelings of lows and highs.  Some days it just seems so draining!  I really wish I didn’t have to deal.

I have so many good things coming my way.  This is a very exciting year for me and seeing as though I enjoy school, I’m really hoping I just breeze on through!  As long as I go in with a good attitude I think I’ll be fine.  I’ll get to meet new people too which I always love!  Although there are only 10 people in my class.

I’m super excited for my birthday this weekend.  I’m having a party tomorrow night.  Its going to be really fun, good people, good drinks, and good music!   My sister bought me a camera for my birthday so I will finally be taking some pictures again.  I’m going to be having a birthday dinner at Ric’s Grill tomorrow before the party with my roommate and his family.  Should be really nice!  Sunday (my actual birthday) will be spent drinking plenty of water I can assume, working and then heading to my aunts for a birthday dinner there with my Gramma, Uncles, Cousin and Aunt.  A jam packed weekend, what with having to work both days but I should be able to fit it all in!  Its my birthday after all and I’m not sure I know anyone that likes their birthday as much as me.  When Adam is back in town next weekend we will be having a part 2 party, that should be an eventful weekend as well.

Its a beautiful gym, everyone is friendly, theres lots of big windows, and its super open.  I started with Mark, my trainer and he is absolutely amazing.  I think he was born to do this job, hes encouraging, smart and knows exactly what hes doing.  I am loving going to the gym more than I ever thought possible.  Like yesterday for instance, I left my house at 6am for job #1, left there at 4 and worked from 430-730 at job #2, immediately following that I headed to the gym and did a crazy hour and a half workout that left me feeling absolutely exhausted (as it should!).  I was told that on March 20th I had been to the gym 28 times.  So in less than two months I had been 28 times!  I couldn’t believe it, I was so proud of myself!  What an accomplishment.  Especially for me.  My legs are so much stronger, my balance has improved more than I ever thought it would.  My schedule and Mark hasn’t lined up quite right the last two weeks so I haven’t had a session with him that time, and I haven’t slowed down in the least.  He writes down every exercise in a book and all I have to do is look at it and do the workouts as if he was there.  I am a very competitive person and even with myself I find I push myself just enough to do even better than my body wants me to.

I have also joined a website called fitday.com.  Mark told me about it I am completely addicted now.  You let it know exactly what you’re eating and it tells you all the nutritional information.  I’m on a 1400 calorie a day diet and its so easy to know exactly how many calories are in everything!  Its also good for carb counting, I know a lot of carb counts as I have been on my insulin pump for 7 years but I guess on a lot of things too.

Its nice to be so healthy and know that you’re eating the right things and exercising.  I’ve been feeling SO much better and haven’t been sick since I started, and with being a nanny thats saying a lot!  The kids have had two colds since I started working out and I haven’t caught either of them.

Exercising is good in every aspect of a persons body and life.  The fact that I actually look forward to working out most of the time?  Totally priceless!  I am two months into my ‘journey’ and I see no sign of stopping, as I shouldn’t.

On one hand I can save a few bucks, pack up my car with my essentials (clothing mostly, lol) and travel those short 12 hours to the beautiful west coast.  I would be greeted by all my old friends, my family, the ocean, my puppy, and actual summer weather, amazing!  I would also be greeted by HST, high gas prices and the trouble of finding my way driving in that terribly congested city.

On the other hand I could continue with whatever job I had acquired here in Edmonton.  I could save a good amount of money and go apartment shopping, not buy an apartment of course, just rent.  I could buy furniture, and decorate it exactly how I want.  I could continue my life here and keep all my new friends and volunteer for JDRF as much as my job lets me.  I could suffer through a few more terrible winters, pay my car off and head home at that point.

I have to realize that ultimately I want to be back in BC, and perhaps it would be silly of me to set up a life here in an apartment when I know I’ll have to start over again in a few years.  Truth is, I’m happy here.  I miss my family and friends, and the beautiful scenery and weather from back home and I just have to ask myself, is it worth staying in Edmonton if I’m just going to miss out on these years I can be near them?

Yesterday I received a birthday card from my sister Samantha.  It was a really nice card and of course I cried like a baby, only for a second though. Hah.  I still have not cried over my ex, yet the second I get a nice card I’m all tears.  I guess that shows what my heart thinks is actually important.  So as I’m finishing reading the card I’m absolutely convinced that I’m going to Van next summer to live with her.  No doubt in my mind whats so ever.  I just NEED to be close to her again, she is seriously my best friend and I’m going to see her and the rest of my family once in 2011?  That is not right.  Way too long to not see the people that mean the most.

Either way I will be missing people, I know this.  I can always come back and visit all my friends in Edmonton.  I just hope I can find as good of friends in Vancouver as I have made here.

What if I have a boyfriend here?  I know that will obviously become a factor in my decision but do I really want to be a girl that will change her whole life for a boy?  I did that kinda with my ex and look where that got me.  I’ve always had the ‘up for anything’ attitude but I’m getting sick of being hurt.  Before my ex, I was single for a whole year.  I wasn’t unhappy or anything, I was actually getting pretty used to it, surprisingly.  Of course I wanted a boyfriend but I wasn’t particularly lonely or anything.  Then ‘whats his face’ sweeps me off my feet, tells me things I loved to hear, made me comfortable around him and BAM!   He decides he’s actually a huge asshole.  I don’t think I have ever felt that hurt from a guy before.  I never expected to be broken up with in that way and the look on my face when I received that text message was absolute disbelief.  I still can’t believe it to this day.  The more I think about the things he said and did the more I should of realized he was an idiot, too bad that whole ‘falling for him lust’ got in the way of my brain power.  Next time I’ll be a little more observant.

Now that I no longer have a boyfriend I actually have a little bit of time to myself.  Time to cook, grocery shop, bake, and do a thorough clean of the house. The other night I even baked an apple crisp and didn’t eat any of it. Look whose full of will power? Perhaps it’s because before I made it I was at the gym for an hour and a half working my butt off. Never the less I’ve been accomplishing a lot with my busy schedule.  At this point one of my roommates moved out and he took the internet, satellite, and PVR with him.  So I have been without all those things for two weeks.  Television I rarely watch, it ultimately comes down to, “I have a spare second…better hit the gym.”  But the internet?  That I definitely use and it has been a pretty dull life without it.

On the weekend I volunteered for 12 hours at a curling funspeil for JDRF.  The same event that I organized last year.  It went really well and I had a good time.  Nice to see all the people I used to work with and all the supporters.  Definitely made me miss JDRF, but with walk season approaching I’ll be volunteering lots as long as I can fit it in with my care giving schedule.

Being in a great relationship for just over a month I thought I had a good thing going on.  Turns out when he thinks he’s “right” and I’m “wrong” he ends it like this, “Well apparently this is a big deal for you, so I’ll simplify things: We’re not dating anymore.” in a text message no less, while I am at work, all over the stupidest thing you could imagine.  Words just cannot describe the absolute shock I faced upon reading this.  After that day of work, I needed some closure so I called him.  Well apparently he is an ever bigger jerk than I could have ever thought possible and am actually thanking God for being able to see his true colours, and utter incompetence of being in a relationship this early on.  I just feel like an idiot for not realizing sooner, instead I put him on a pedestal. I really thought we had something.  Oh Sara.  Will I ever learn?  It’s so funny how I told him all about the ‘not so nice’ boys I’ve dated and he just shook his head, “Why would you put yourself through that?” He’d say.  ”I don’t have a clue, I’m just soo happy I’ve found a genuinely nice guy now…”  Wow, it’s amazing how things can change, so fast.  It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking of receiving that text, I never thought in a million years that someone would think THAT low of me to do that, and for it to be someone I was falling for, and had sleeping in my bed the previous night?  I know I did not deserve that in the least, I am a good person, right?  It made me feel so low, I thought I meant more to him that having all of 5 text messages being sent back and forth and then done.  When I finally got home that night I checked facebook and he had already deleted me as a friend and cropped me out of his profile picture.  Like I meant ABSOLUTELY nothing.  As if he could never see, talk, know me ever again in his life and he’d be completely content, happy even.  All because he told me that instead of making dinner that night together, he was going to make it with his friend and my instruction was to, “Pick him up at 630 so we could catch the 730 movie…”  When we could have had the whole afternoon together.  Second time he ditches me for this friend in less than two weeks when we had already established our plans.  In our telephone conversation that night he tells me, “You work too much, and put everyone before myself and don’t have enough time for me.”  Haha, he says this after he DITCHES me on my two Sundays that I could actually do something with him.  No sense I tell you, absolutely no thinking behind those words.  Yet he thinks he’s SO right.

I know I shouldn’t be writing this and I’ll regret it immensely I’m sure, especially if my ex see’s it.  Writing is my therapy and having a few people understanding what happened somehow makes me a little less angry.  I have never dissed any of my ex’s in any blog and told myself when I started it that this isn’t where I write about negative things.  But seriously this is so outrageous to me that I can’t wrap my mind around it fully, even now two days later.  I honestly hope he doesn’t read this, and I doubt he will because I mean nothing to him, and don’t think I ever really did to be honest, any sane person wouldn’t end it like that when they care about someone.  I’m sure everyone would agree with that.  I should feel sorry for him, what with having no idea how to be in a relationship and all, but he’s a big boy and I hope he figures his shit out, I suppose.  Even if all that means is him not treating his next girlfriend like garbage. Good luck to her, if she exists, don’t ever think you’re right because you’ll lose, I learned the hard way obviously.   I’m not sure I have much hope for the guy, he has no remorse, no ‘seeing the other side of things’, nothing.  Just, ‘My girlfriend is upset I’m ditching her for the second time, she’s gone.”  He couldn’t even believe on the phone that I was upset about the days ‘occurences’, “Listen to you, we’ve been in a relationship for a month and you’re SO upset.”  If I wasn’t upset then that would mean I couldn’t care less about him, so I do have a heart, and feelings.  Wow, I never knew…

Everything in my life is just coming together perfectly.  I couldn’t be  more happy and excited for 2011.  This Friday I have an interview to enter a Government of Alberta Health Care Aide course.  I know it took me long enough, but I have finally realized what I am good at and what I like to do.  Well, I suppose it didn’t take me that long, I am only 20.  Once this is finalized I will be set! Also, I will be able to upgrade from that course and hopefully do the two year LPN course in a few years.  At this point I need to focus on getting in, getting a student loan, completing school, getting a job, paying off student loan, and last but most definitely not least…moving out on my own!  My goal is to be in a one bedroom apartment by summer 2012.  This is definitely possible and sure, if I do get into school this June my summer will essentially be 90% school and work and 10% sleep, but really, what’s five months of that when I know I’ll be on my own and living comfortably once completed?  I have lived the last 4 years of my life working by butt off and not really getting ahead in any way, but once I’m finished, this course will be the best thing I’ve done for myself thus far, well moving to Edmonton was a pretty slick move on my part as well. My decision making skills seem to be right on the money most of the time.  Getting into a real, mature relationship for the first time in my life?  Way to go me!

Only good things to come.

I can’t help but want to really be on my own, as in a one bedroom apartment, maybe a 5 day a week job opposed to seven, and be living completely comfortable. After I finish school I should be able to take that step.  I am just so grateful to David for the priviledge of living in his house.

I’m not sure why but life just seems to be getting better and better.  Thank you, God.

It was kind of interesting how some of the things they say to do in the book, I already do and have already received the benefits of doing so.  The whole aspect of the Secret is, simply put, if you want something all you have to do is think about the object, person, etc as if you already have received it.  Second, be grateful and thankful for that thing and third, the Universe will give it to you.  Weather that be money, love, health absolutely anything that you can convince your mind that you have it already.  For instance, if you would like to lose weight you say to yourself, “I have the perfect body, thank you so much for this perfect body, I am forever grateful.”  Now it doesn’t work right away obviously.  But the more you say it and convince yourself of it the closer you are to achieving it.  Since reading the book I have said those words hundreds of times over and over in my head and you know what?  I feel much better about my body already, I am on the way to having my perfect body.  It really made me see how down on myself I was about my body and how that enveloped my mind completely and all my thoughts were so negative toward myself.  I believe this works 100% and can’t wait to see the benefits of my thoughts.

The book also states that every night you should thank the Universe for all you have and feel happiness for being alive and able to enjoy everyday.  They also say to recount the events of that day and for anything that didn’t go right for you, you replay them out in your head the way they should have happened.  So correct the bad points and then you’ll feel good about them even though they actually weren’t good.  So if you want more money, never think, I need more,  I never have enough, I’m going to be in debt FOREVER. Instead think, money comes so easily to me. Thats it, six little words that will change your life.

Now for years, since I was in grade six I believe I have prayed to God and thanked him countless times for everything in my life.  I do this every night and I always start out with this, “Dear God, Thank you for this day and thank you for everything you have ever given me.”  After that I have always recounted the things that happened in that particular day that I was happy for.  Every night I go to bed feeling grateful for all that I do.  After recounting the day I spend a few seconds thinking about each member of my family, my Mom and Dad, Ambyr and Samantha, and my Gramma.  When I lived close with my family I always recalled a conversation or interaction I had with them that day, but now that I don’t talk or see them everyday I often think about the last time I saw them.  If there is anyone that is in trouble or in need I always pray for them and send out my good thoughts.

I have mentioned it in many blogs, how ‘lucky’ I think I am.  Well if I think I’m lucky then the Universe answers back to my thoughts with me actually being lucky.  Its funny how it works.  They say to make a Vision board with everything that you desire and put it somewhere you will look many times a day.   I have not made mine yet but it will have a picture of me at my ideal weight, a beautiful condo, flawless blood sugar, my new car paid off, trips home to BC once a month and a very good paying job with benefits that I enjoy, last but not least an amazing boyfriend.  I truly believe I will achieve these things and am already grateful for them!  My future is full of love, money, friends, more money, and new things…that I deserve!

At this point I am a caregiver to a very sweet lady, and also a nanny to two little boys.  I feel like I’m running three households most of the time, and realized exactly how ambitious some people are when I traveled back to BC for 11 days of the Christmas Holidays.  At times it feels like I’m the only one with half a brain and really can’t understand the thinking behind other peoples actions.  Some people are letting others use them, and some are using others.  I just have to accept that I can only control my actions and consequences will catch up to others sooner or later.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my future.  There are certains things I want to get done in 2011 that I can finally see happening.  Getting my ducks in a row you could say

At the beginning of December I decided to trade my clunker in for a brand new Hyundai Elantra.  An impulse purchase somewhat, but also a very much needed one.  I do not regret it for a second and considering the winter we’re having in Alberta this year I bought it just in time.  I love my new baby and am very determined to pay it off as fast as I can.

My trip home for Christmas was the best trip I have had since I moved away.  I got to see all my friends that I haven’t seen in over two years, and I finally had time to reconnect with my family.  I was sad to go and it really made me think about my goals for the next few years of my life, and what exactly I want to accomplish here in Alberta.  I do not see myself living here forever, not even close actually, my family is just too important to me, and to just be able to see them a couple times a year just isn’t enough.  I’ve definitely learned a lot about myself since I moved, and me wanting to be closer to my family in the coming years has nothing to do with security, or not being mature enough to handle it, it’s simply because life is too short to waste missing people, I know many people who don’t value their family as much as I do.  In the long run I don’t want to miss out my families lives, I want to be able to move back with school completed, my car paid off, money saved and to be able to walk right back into Samantha, Ambyr, my Mom, Dad and Gramma’s lives and fit right in, just like I never left.